


I Love You (ain't that the worst thing you've ever heard?)

by kjstark



Series: Two damaged people trying to heal each other (is love) [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Tony Stark is dead and I'm forever sad, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22578115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjstark/pseuds/kjstark
Summary: "Damaged people love you like you are a crime scene before a crime has even been committed.They keep their running shoes besides their souls every night, one eye open in case things change whilst they sleep.Their backs are always tense as though waiting to fight a sudden storm that might engulf them.Because damaged people have already seen hell.And damaged people understand that every evil demon that exists down there was once a kind angel before it fell."- Nikita Gil
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/James "Rhodey" Rhodes
Series: Two damaged people trying to heal each other (is love) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1624603
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	I Love You (ain't that the worst thing you've ever heard?)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short thing I wrote for a sweet anon on Tumblr who asked me for 'angst rhodeybucky where they hit a rough patch in their relationship'. I thought about this for over a week, this is all I can come up with without turning this into some 10K+ thing I do not have time to get properly done. 
> 
> NOTES & WARNINGS:  
> -English isn't my first language and this wasn't proof-read.  
> -There's brief depictions of low self-steem and sense of self-worth (from Bucky's part)

_"Tell me darling,_  
_would you still love me_  
_if I told you_  
_about the monsters_  
_I need to sing to sleep_  
_every night?_

_If you understood_  
_the way I need to tiptoe_  
_across my own mind_  
_so I can fall asleep_  
_before daylight?_

  
_If you knew_  
_where the nightmares_  
_came from,_  
_if you saw my scarred soul,_  
_would being with me terrify you?_

  
_If you knew the full extent_  
_of the damage_  
_they have done to me,_  
_would you stay,_  
_would you still want to?"_

**—Nikita Gil**

When it happens he's caught off guard. He was talking about his mission in Mogadishu, training Harley when Bucky places a hand on his thigh and bats his eyelashes at him.

So, he pushes Bucky towards the couch of his lab because it's closer from the common area than any of their rooms and he can't afford to wait that long.

Bucky hmms harmonically once his hand lands on his pants and Rhodey presses his lips on his collarbone, bending on his knees to trail kisses on Bucky's torso.

It's then he realizes he's gonna have sex for the first time since the accident.

He's not even sure that can work out. So he stops. And hesitates.

And Bucky notices and grabs his face and drags him up, laying splat on top of him. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to," Bucky said, hands to both sides of his face.

But that's the thing: he does want to.

He wants to so bad he's even showing it.

Which, by all accounts, should be impossible. If it wasn't for the piece of tech attached to his spine.

"I do want to," Rhodey breathes at his face. "I'm just not sure about the whole logistics of it," he adds.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't take the braces off," Rhodey explains, looking down.

Bucky shifts on his spot to get his left arm out from under him, and he pulls Rhodey's chin up. "So don't," he says at his lips. Then he moves his other hand down and cups him. "You don't even have to take off your pants for us to have fun," he whispers, before nibbling his ear.

Then Bucky pulls his zipper and stuffs his hand inside.

All his worries fly far away from the room.

\--

After that, it's all cases of stumbles and glorious messes. He takes Bucky in the sparing room, Bucky takes him in his lab. They blow each other off in the bathroom of a fancy restaurant. They have sex all night in a fancy hotel room after a mission gone right.

Bucky likes to lay down on his chest, his long locks splattered across Rhodey's chest, but he also likes holding him in his arm when Rhodey turns; he wouldn't have it another way because he feels trapped when he sleeps.

Which is fine; Rhodey's always liked being little spoon, anyways.

\--

Bucky has nightmares. The desperate kind of nightmares.

He's silent about them but his jaw sets and Rhodey can hear the teeth clashing.

He's silent about them but the sweat gives him away.

He's silent about them but his lips tremble and he’s young in his old age and Rhodey rolls a hand through his face to soothe him but all he does is wake up in shock and run to the bathroom in shame.

Being left alone in Bucky's bed makes Rhodey think of how lonely he'd feel without him.

And that scares him.

\--

Rhodey talks to his momma a lot. Even more so since Tony's gone. He tells her stories about Morgan, about Harley and Peter's training. In return, he gets to hear about Lila and her transition process.

Roberta asks her son about himself, about how he's doing, whether or not he's eating or sleeping well. She asks about Sam and Pepper. She asks about work.

Rhodey looks at his watch and then at himself in the mirror. "I gotta go, ma," he says, smiling.

"Say hi to Bucky."

A mother always knows.

\--

Bucky travels back.

Since he got his memory sorted, every time he's left alone to his thoughts, he travels back.

Back to different tastes, to different aromas, to different sights.

Sometimes because he misses some things; most of the time it’s because he doesn't. He likes it here, he likes it now.

He thinks about Steve and swallows.

He doesn't think he'd make that choice given the chance.

"Hey, did I lose you in there?" Rhodey asks, sitting across him in the porch, a book in his hand.

"No, I'm here."

And he's glad to be.

Maybe too glad.

\--

They kiss but they don't hold hands. It's fine.

They make out, make love, but they don't stare at each other for longer than safe.

They would die for each other on the battlefield but that's a military principle. You never leave your men behind.

And they would never leave each other behind.

It's fine. 

Until Rhodey sees Bucky play hide and seek with Morgan in the front yard of Tony and Pepper's house and Pepper rolls a hand through his spine.

"He would've liked Bucky," she says.

Morgan's holding her hand up, spread, like she's shooting beams out of it and Bucky's acting like he's being shot, getting giggles out of her.

"I don't know," Rhodey mutters. He knows Bucky and Tony's past enough.

"He would've," Pepper assures, smiling.

Rhodey turns to her. "What makes you so sure?"

"He makes you happy," Pepper says, but she's only looking at Bucky playing with her daughter.

And Rhodey's known what he feels for too long.

He's just burying it in himself too deep to say it.

And not for his own sake.

\--

It's two more months when it blurts out of him, after Bucky's gone on a rant to defend Luigi's right to be the second-best choice.

It comes out of him like a spontaneous sneeze. Like he'd been holding the itchy feeling in his nose for too long and it's finally out.

"You're so silly. I love you," Rhodey scoffs at the coke can in his hand.

But no one pays attention to his ground-breaking confession.

Because it's a surprise to no one but himself.

And Bucky, who loses the race in Mario Kart.

"Suck that!" Peter shouts before he high-fives Shuri.

They don't look at each other for the rest of the night.

\--

"Listen—" Rhodey begins to say once they meet in his room.

But Bucky crashes his mouth into his and Rhodey pays no mind to the sour taste of his lips.

Then Rhodey puts his hand on Bucky's face and, again, pays no mind to the wetness of his cheeks.

He can feel Bucky's heartbeat on his chest, throbbing. And he wants to hold him forever.

In fact, it's occurring to him that's what he's wanted all his life.

But Bucky looks into his eyes when he's lying on top of him, thrusting into him, and Rhodey feels like all his love is crushing him down.

And Rhodey wants to love him tender. Love him in a way Bucky can take. Love him in a way Bucky can handle.

Love him in a way Bucky can accept.

But when he wakes up alone the next morning, he knows he's failed.

\--

It's not Rhodey's fault. It could never be his fault.

Bucky's been selfish enough to allow this to go longer than safe and now, as usual, he's to blame.

He stares at himself in the mirror and cuts his hair.

'You deserve a lot of things. Rhodey is not one,' he thinks. He tells himself as he stares into his own eyes. Blood-filled hands like his don't get to hold such precious things. 

He was just a fool to think otherwise.

He was just evil to let Rhodey think so, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Taylor Swift's "Cruel Summer" & both poems on the work are from Nikital Gil, as credited.


End file.
